Understanding Tantrums: Signals, Not Defiance
Part 1: From Tantrums to Connection through Conscious Parenting.
Do you feel your heart race when your child starts melting down in public? All those thoughts rushing in: "What will people think? Why can't I control this? I must be doing something wrong..."
Observing children in a mall over the weekend, I've been thinking about how much tantrums can light up not just our children's nervous systems, but ours as well. As parents, so many of us carry around silent expectations; those inner scripts about how things "should" go, piling on extra stress when life doesn't follow that plan.
From what we now understand in neuroscience, tantrums are not intentional acts of defiance. They're signals: a child's growing nervous system is simply overwhelmed and can't cope in that moment. Most kids do not yet have sufficient language to explain the nuances of their emotions let alone the 80+ emotions adults struggle to name (Brené Brown's Atlas of the Heart).
Three patterns I see coming up often in my coaching conversations with parents:
What do you do with a hungry, tired or simply uncomfortable child?
• 𝐏𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐍𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐬 : At this juncture, your child isn't capable of reasoning. Those biological needs always talk louder than logic. Heard of 'hangry'? Or your child may have wild energy and frantic movements which are also signs of overstimulation which requires your presence and emotional co-regulation rather than your meltdown
What do you do when your child struggles against your requests and throws a tantrum?
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•𝐍𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐦𝐲 : It's easy to forget that children crave even small choices. Picking a shirt or a snack may seem trivial to us, but for them, it's a chance to feel competent. These power struggles are bids for agency. It's also an important sign of maturing. Why not allow them the opportunity to start with making small choices and give up some of your control? After all, that's what nurturing and raising a child mean.
What do you do with a child that seems overwhelmed?
• 𝐄𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝: So much stimulation in our modern world floods children’s brains; more than they're wired to process. Sometimes what they really need is our connection: a moment to pause, be fully present, and help them settle. Researchers at UC San Francisco have "found a distinctive pattern for overwhelm in some children who are overly sensitive to sound, touch, and visual information." Think of how visually overstimulating fast moving cars/trains or rollercoasters are! Or how aurally disturbing loud music feels! Gently remove the object or leave the environment that is causing the overwhelm and be with your child.
What helped me when I had a toddler (and what I share with clients) is to practise conscious presence. First, that 𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐨-𝐠𝐚𝐩 𝐩𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 to settle our own nervous system. A breath. A heartbeat of remembering, this is not about whether I’m a “good” parent, or what anyone else thinks. (Read my article on the nano-gap)
In conscious parenting, and in the work of inspirational authors like Eckhart Tolle and Gabor Maté, tantrums are invitations to presence, not problems to crush.
𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞. Kneeling down to their level, a gentle hand on the back if they're open to it, and letting them know, "I see you're feeling really upset right now." "Can I give you a cuddle?" "Would you like to hold my hand?"
𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐦, messy as it may feel, 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬. When we start viewing tantrums as a child reaching out for support, not simply misbehaving, we get to change how we respond...and over time, how our relationship feels.
If you’ve got ways that help you stay steady when the emotions run high, for you or your child, share them with me. It’s always such a gift hearing how different families find their way. And if these moments feel especially hard, know you’re not alone. This is exactly what coaching and community are here to hold with you.
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